where does your money go?
a bit about why i'm selling my body, and what i'd spend the money on
backstory
how the pandemic has affected me
i contracted covid during the Delta surge. it developed into An Ordeal that impaired my cognition and physical ability for 8+ months. at the 3~4 month mark, my doctor was no longer willing to support my state short-term disability claim, even partially. she claimed that the remaining issues weren’t a large impediment to my daily functioning and that mostly they were primarily psychological in nature, which was out of her scope of expertise.
i tried to get my psychiatrist to support the claim, but their practice has a strict policy on this which i didn’t meet the criteria for justifying. that being only patients enrolled in outpatient treatment programs that absorb 4+ hours of their day would justify the financial assistance. i didn’t met the criteria for such a program, and they weren’t successful in petitioning their director to make an exception.
this made no sense to me as, at that point, covid was known to make depression much worse. regardless, i ended up quitting my job because i didn’t feel able to fulfil my obligations. i knew that, eventually, i’d have been fired for this. this was in part a long time coming, having been underpaid for years, and underappreciated for at least one of those. i’d burned out at least once before this, and recognized that it was happening again.
how i’m getting by
i’ve been living off my savings for the last 6+ months. i’m not desperate for money. my savings will carry me for many months yet.
doing this comes with downsides. i don’t have medical insurance due to not meeting the income requirements for public subsidy, and because after running the numbers, having invested into a private plan would have been more expensive than reducing the number of doctors i see and paying out of pocket.
alas, now that i’ve been unemployed for so long, and this pandemic stretches on, (it’s not over for me, being in several high risk groups!) i’d like to be able to see some specialists. unfortunately, i won’t qualify for public subsidy of insurance until 2023 open enrollment.
i can’t afford seeing these providers on a recurring basis right now. i can deal without, and have been doing fairly well relying on skills learned from seeing them in the past. it’d be nice if i i had access to a cognitive and physical therapist though. they offer clear direction and serve as motivational incentives that i find to be extremely helpful.
if you haven’t guessed, i’m chronically ill. when i had a job, i opted for the best insurance because i always met the deductible, and needed the best coverages to minimize my out-of-pocket medical costs. i was seeing 6 different doctors regularly, all in distinct specialties. i saw 2 more on demand for consultation and surgery. i planned to see yet another, requiring a plane flight to where the foremost experts in one of my conditions operated.
most of this is on hold. i’ve dropped down to seeing 2 doctors regularly- my endocrinologist, and psychiatrist. this is required either due to their office policy, or by law, to attain prescription renewals and labwork. sometimes i see my therapist, dermatologist and primary physician, as needed. sometimes i order my own bloodwork to keep tabs on my hormones or organ function, opting not to go through a doctor for interpretation.
part of my limitations due to these health issues is to my executive function- that is, i have difficulty doing the things i want and need to do. i have major depression, and generalized anxiety, both made persistently worse from long covid. i also struggle significantly with adhd and insomnia. the former makes it difficult for me to do things i’m not interested in, like cooking. the latter periodically destroys my mood and cognitive ability.
not only am i presently unable to further diagnoses and treatment of some of these syndromes due to financial constraints, but i also struggle to reduce some costs that most people would see as unnecessary given my circumstances. in the list of expenditures below, you’ll note i spend an obscene amount of money on food. this is due to my inability to get myself to regularly cook meals, unfortunately.
career and financial goals
i’ve put in a couple dozen job applications recently, since i’m feeling much more whole these last few months but,,, i’m not putting a whole lot of effort into it anymore. i didn’t hear back from my first choice companies, making me think i still don’t have the skills needed.
instead, i’ve been working on a personal technology project to help grow those skills that they’re looking for. this also serves another purpose in that, if i’m successful, i ought to be able to monetize the thing with premium features and a subscription model. i have one other person working alongside me, and am trying to build the team out further to make it happen as quickly as possible.
hopefully before my savings are close to the danger zone of depletion, i have something to show for this - either getting an offer to work for someplace i actually want to, or i can consider myself self-employed to a livable degree while i continue to build skills to make me more attractive to preferred employers.
of course, i won’t let me savings be exhausted completely. i have the skills to be employable, as evidenced by the 10 year career behind me. if it comes to it, i would absolutely bite the bullet and accept an offer from a place that isn’t ideal, if only to save enough to do this all over again in a year or two.
why i started doing sex work
lewd and kinky stuff has been one of my special interests for many years. i run a semi-private discord community dedicated to friends exploring themselves in a healthy, comfortable and educational setting. i was a part of my local kink scene for 2+ years before that, attending all the workshops, lectures, and discussions. i consider myself formally trained in kink as a result, and have been told that i’ve been an invaluable teacher by many.
i started doing this sex work stuff as an extension of that. i would give video demonstrations of kinks that people on my server were confused about. i enjoy pleasing people, and post content i know they’ll enjoy, both found and of myself, by request. eventually, people wanted to pay me for it when they realised i’d be interested in that.
i don’t want this to turn into something i don’t enjoy. for that reason, and because i am a highly paid engineer, my rates have been set high. if you’d like to support me, and watch me have genuine fun showing you a bit of my life, i’d be appreciative of it! it’ll help me offset my living expenses while i continue my recovery and work toward supporting myself with a life that is comfortable and satisfying. 🖤
monthly expenditures
rent: ~$1,750
rental insurance: $19
power utility: $100 ~ 200
home internet: $100
mobile phone: $16
household essentials: $136
medical upkeep: $275 (doctors & meds)
dentistry services: ~$14
food: $800 (yes, i’m aware)
professional cloud services: $68
auto insurance: ~$85
auto maintenance: ~$11
auto fuel: ~$36
amazon prime: $10
spotify premium: $9
sex worker support: $20
total: $3449 ~ 3,549 /mo
prospective expenses
health
cognitive therapy: $325 ~ 650 ($150/session, biweekly to weekly)
physical therapy: $325 ~ 650 ($75-150/session, biweekly)
probiotics: $39 (psychiatrist recommended)
fish oil: $22 (positive mental health benefits)
total: $711 ~ 1,360 /mo
sex work
RBG ring light: $24
a new anal training dildo: $188 ~ 216
panties: $30 ~ 60
aesthetic clothing: $150 ~ 300
high-end kigurumi mask: $498
hair wig: $43
black-out contact lenses: $49
total: $982 ~ 1,1190